The Curse of the Zombie Charvs
8:57 p.m. on 2005-08-26
I've been bugged by Cypher for a new story, so here is one just for her... and anyone else who cares.
NOTE: The word 'charv' is not a mispell of 'chav', we invented the word! And it's 'charv'! With an 'r'!
THE CURSE OF THE ZOMBIE CHARVS
Thunder rippled through the air as I ran through the streets towards Cypher's mansion. My footsteps and the raindrops were both hitting the ground out of rhythm, but they were the only sounds to be heard. I sighed and slowed down, it appeared I had lost them.
I casually turned my head back and stopped still in fear... I had foolishly thought that I had escaped from them, but they had merely paused to multiply their numbers... Which, in a town like this, was but too easy. For they were... the zombie charvs...
Unknown to me (and most of the population) that night, was that the red bull and the dangerous bio-chemical disease tankers had been mislabeled at the can-filling factory. This had led the charvs who drank the foul swill to become flesh-eating, brain-sucking zombies, who were angry and confused, mainly because the dangerous biochemical disease was not as foul as the drink they had 'paid' for (I use the term 'paid' loosely, anyone who fails to understand should look up 'five-finger discount'in the dictionary), and so like most zombie hordes, had multiplied accordingly.
I picked up the pace and headed onwards, reaching into my Indiana Jones jacket to take out a parrot. I placed it firmly and pressed the 'record' button under it's beak.
"Cypher... They're after me! Open your door! OPEN IT AS SOON AS YOU GET THIS MESSAGE! FOR GOD'S SAKE CYPHER! OPEN THE DOOR! ..."
I paused for a while, rubbing my chin.
"And put the kettle on, will you?"
I pressed the 'stop' and 'rewind' buttons, then ran on. I listened to the parrot once over.
"Do I really sound like that?" I asked myself curiously. I did not reply. I began to fear I may have been taken by the hoard...
Then I remembered the parrot. I pointed it in the direction of Cypher's abode and sent it flying ahead of me.
A few minuted later I had reached the gates of the Cypher estate, and ran up the cold steps, to find the lady herself holding the door open.
"Get in!" she yelled.
"What?" I asked, taking out my headphones. The zombies were at the gates now.
"GET IN, SNIBBS!" she yelled.
"Ohhh..." I said noddding, walking casually towards the great oak doors, not knowing the zombies were literally at my heels...
"MOVE SNIBBS! FASTER!"
I hastilly jogged inside the entrance hall, and Cypher slammed the door on the zombie charvs. Several loud bangs were heard as they attempted to keep walking forwards, to no avail.
"I notice you're wearing your Ky Kiske outfit..." I said, engaging small-talk.
"Robo-Ky, actually..." she said casually, leaning against the table that fell from her arm. I took off my Indiana Jones coat to reveal my current choice of wear.
"Is that... a Slayer outfit?" she asked, dissaprovingly.
"You better believe it!" I replied, lighting my pipe.
Cypher's table slid back into her arm as she led me to the main drawing room. The funny thing about the room was that Cypher was continually complaining that she wasn't getting any drawings done.
"Speaking of believing, you won't believe who's here..."
She threw open the doors to reveal Kaddywyn sitting at the head of the table. I sighed.
"Why are you here?"
"I fell off a chair..." whined Kaddywyn.
"Really? A fate worse than death..." I replied, sarcastically.
"It was a really big chair!"
"Suuure it was..."
Cypher interupted.
"Actually Snibbs, it was. And from what my boys in the lab were able to figure out before they... died... she was then swept here on a moving thermal pocket in the sky..."
I shook my head.
"Wait a second, what happened to your boys in the lab? Did the zombies get them?"
Cypher gave a nervous laugh.
"Acutally, no... I kinda... forgot to feed them..."
At that moment the conversation was interupted by a brick flying through the window, followed by a chorus of zombie-charv laughter.
"Quickly... to the ingenious plan room of ingenious plans!" yelled Cypher, leading us off through a maze of corridors.
"So..." I began, as we rushed around corner after corner. "Which of you lovely ladies wants to be my official sassy sidekick, who will likely need to be saved by me and fall in love with me and so on..."
At this point I was hit in the face by two fists, Kaddywyn's knocking out my pipe.
"Never mind..." I said bitterly, massaging my jaw and black eye.
"Here we are!" Announced Cypher. "Oh, wait... this is the Ingenious plan room of plans... Not the Ingenious plan room of INGENIOUS plans..."
"But it'll do, won't it?" asked Kaddywn.
"I suppose... But the plans won't be THAT ingenious..."
A large red siren began to flash and shriek.
"They've entered the building!" gasped Cypher. "Snibbs! Didn't you lock the door?"
I scratched the back of my head
"Um, about that..."
"Never mind! We've got to move!" said Cypher, pushing Kaddywyn and myself through the doors.
We huddled around the plan table.
"Any plans?" I asked.
"Urm..." said Cypher.
"Hmm..." said Kaddywyn.
"I know!" said Cypher, opening a cupboard and taking out a strange glass bottle, and filled three glasses with it's contents. "Drink this!"
I swallowed mine in one go, whereas Cypher and Kaddywyn chose to sip theirs gracefully.
"Not bad..." I admitted, surprised. "What is it?"
"Liquid Inspiration." replied Cypher. Kaddywyn sniffed it and shrugged, taking a large mouthful.
"What's it made from?" I asked, curious at the colour.
"Caim's Urine..." admitted Cypher.
Kaddywyn spat out the mouthful, and I began to feel sick in my stomach.
"How could you let us drink that?!" yelled an outraged Kaddywyn.
"What's wrong with it... Caim's an inspirational guy..."
"Look, we need to work on a plan!" I said, slapping down some paper and a packet of 'crayola' crayons. "I say we should overload the boiler with the remote control Cypher always carries with her in case the garden gnomes steal it."
I paused to allow time to stare at her.
"What? They are after it! I know it!"
I rolled my eyes.
"Anywa-y, the heat rush/explosion should discomplexiate through the hyperdraconic vents and carbonize the zombies!"
"Like pouring water down a drain!" said Kaddywyn.
"But that'll kill us too!" yelled Cypher.
"Someone's just jealous that I thought of it first..." I said, standing up. "You with me Kaddywyn?"
She also stood up.
"Not in that way..."
"Aww..."
"But as far as the plan goes, Let's do it!"
Cypher sighed.
"Don't you get it? Every room has an air vent, to help thieves work! That means we'll be killed too!"
"Nonsense, have my plans ever failed?" I asked, pinning Cypher down while Kaddywyn removed the remote control from her pocket.
"What about that time in Canada? And the alleged 'Panda-Juice' venture? And last thursday, when you tested out your 'Darkleday' theory with the president of Bulgaria?"
I waved a hand at Cypher.
"Pssh, those weren't my plans..."
"They were until they failed!"
"Silence! Kaddywyn! Begin the buttonic pressage of the the button pressing!"
Kaddywyn did so. Immediately a heavy growling rumbled the floors from deep within the depths of the mansion, and the air vent in the corner of the room began to glow red.
"Do you understand what you've done, Snibbs? Shortly that vent, and every vent in the building will burst open, and a crowd of fireballs will spew out! Then a stream of lava! Then more fireballs! Then a dragon!"
"What kind of lava?" I asked, stroking my chin.
"Moltern lava! What other kind is there? Anyway, DO YOU REALISE WHAT YOU'VE DONE?!?!" Cypher yelled.
"What're you yelling at me for? It was her plan!" I said pointing at Kaddywyn.
"What?" yelled Kaddywyn.
At that moment the vent burst open, and all three of us fell to the floor screaming.
Suddenly, we were engulfed by a blue light, and found ourselves on an alien station, high above Earth. A large bug eyed monster approached us.
"Excuse me, but are you The Black Eyed Peas?"
We shook our heads.
"Damn... Wrong humans... AGAIN! Don't worry, we'll send you right back."
Before we could protest, the light swallowed us again and we were returned to the smoldering ruins of the Ingenious plan room of plans.
"My mansion!" screamed Cypher, falling to her knees.
"At least my plan worked..." I said, stepping through the charred frame of the once beautiful building, making my way to where the kirchen was up until about five seconds before.
"Did you put that kettle on?"
END
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